I realized a few days ago that I have informed you about the logistics that have been going on but not my own emotions and thoughts. I want to take this time to tell you about that.
When I was evacuated I was not sure if I was really ready to go back out again. I did look into direct transfer which would have me going to another country right after Niger but luckily no programs were open for me. I look at that now as a blessing in disguise. I know that I would have been fine if I did do something like that but I feel better coming home first. My fear wasn't that I wasn't ready for the challenge that a new assignment would being. My fear was not being able to serve my new village to the best of my abilities. I was unsure if I would have too much connection to Niger and the people there to be able to put my all into a new country. Since I have been home I now feel ready to take on the challenge and know that I can give Nicaragua everything that I gave Niger if not more. I have the experience of doing it before. I know what worked and didn't work last time and can improve on it. I have the confidence and go get it attitude that is needed for this job back again.
The time home was not easy even though I knew that I had to be home. I found that the first few months home were wonderful but hard. The reverse culture shock was quite a shock. I can remember going into a grocery store and wanting to get out. There was so much food! I would think that just the produce area would be enough food to feed my village for a month. The idea of so much food and how we don't appreciate it was saddening for me. I walked through the store in a daze. Mom described me as a zombie and I'm sure that is what I looked like. All I could think about was how much I wanted to be back in my village. I also went to a few of the meetings and events that return volunteers had and talked with people who were back in the US. It helped to here from others and listen to their stories.
As time passed I got adapted to like in the US and my enthusiasm to re-enroll came with a vengeance. The frustration I had with the Peace Corps happened soon after. I was offered a place in Jamaica which I later realized I didn't want. I didn't have the time to think it through and I said yes to it. I felt bad telling them no after saying yes but I remembered what on return volunteer told me. I was to be stubborn and get what I wanted, that is what I did. I was then told i was going to El Salvador. By the time that I got excited I was told I was changing. I was given an option that didn't sound like what I wanted. I was frustrated, by that point I was in US for about 4 months and just wanted to get back out and work. I was told soon after that I was to go the Nica. Yet I was to leave later, about a month later. I didn't have many options and was just glad to go and get what I wanted. Even it it meant more time at home. It was that or not going. Disheartened I began to plan my summer.
My friend from Niger began to go out and I was hearing about there wonderful adventures and wishing that I could share in their fun. I was becoming jealous of their adventures. I wanted to join them so bad but was stuck here at home. In what was beginning to feel like a prison. At this point in time I was realized that I was not going to be able to live with my parents for much longer. I had to find a way to get out of the house. They were driving me crazy just like parents were suppose to do. Not only was there a delay in my return to service but there were issues with my medical getting done. It felt like one set back after another as if I would never get to Nica.
Going to camp gave me a focus for my anger and frustration it was a distraction from the systematic life I had at home. I got to learn more Spanish and have a freedom that I wasn't getting at home. During my time at camp I tried to contact Peace Corps because I had a medical hold on my account but didn't know why. I had not number at camp that I could give them. I gave them my email in hopes that they would be able to email me about the hold. They never got back to me and I never talked to anyone in Peace Corps. It was very frustrating and with my time in the US winding down I began to fear that I wouldn't be able to go.
Coming back home and having a month to get ready was a good idea. There was still a lot of things that I needed to do, pack up my room and finish packing for Peace Corps. I also wanted to be able to say good by to my friends. My life was busy which helped distract me. However I still had a medical hold on me. I had to find a way to get rid of the hold. I didn't understand why I had to have a test when all of the past test came back negative. Peace Corps contacted me finally when I could give them a phone number. I guess it was security reasons but I will never know. However I got it done and all was well in the end. A huge weight was lifted off my shoulder.
Now it is the forever waiting for the day to come. I'm all packed and have been for two weeks now. I am only waiting nervous, and excited for the day to finally come. Having strange Peace Corps dreams and being kept up with nerves. Hope everything settles down when I get to Nica. I know it will. 4 days to go! But who's counting? LOL.
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